Hard to believe its been a month

Its hard for me to even believe that its been a month, today that my dad passed away. I am growing to not love Saturdays. They seem to be my hardest days. I hope it doesn't last for too long. All day I have had my dad on my mind and can't seem to get out of my mind, the hour before his passing. I can remember so clearly Nick, Jess and I riding our bikes over to the race. Talking about how beautiful the morning was, talking about how early dad had gotten up to be there. We laughed and said he was probably the first one there. I remember riding up on our bikes and having dad standing right there waiting for us to get there. I was so excited to see him. The day that my dad had been looking forward to for months was finally here and I was so happy that I had decided to do the triathlon and be there to be apart of it all.
I put my bike right next to his, and Nick and Jess were just down from us. Dad was already marked up and ready  to go. I went and got my number on me and came back and we all just were getting things organized. One thing I remember is I looked down and he had taken his shoes off and they were still tied. I untied his shoes and turned his socks right side so that when he got back from the swim they would be all ready for him to just put them on and go.
I also remember us laughing right before we headed down to the water for the pre-race talk. the announcer guy had said something about this year it was legal to have a sail during the swim portion of the race.He just kept being funny about how windy it was. Dad was so funny and right away he started to talk about how he would attach his sail to his back. He talked about having a backpack and just pushing a button and it would pop out and carry him.
Then I remember Nick and Jess leaving and going to warm up in the water before the race. I had asked dad if he wanted to go, but he didn't. He said to me that he wanted to be in the water for the least amount of time possible.
We headed down to the water and sat at the park bench just up from the water. I was stretching and he just sat there looking out. I remember him stretching his arms a bit and saying to me, "man I didn't think about this before but going on a rafting trip the day before the race probably wasn't the greatest, that was quiet the work out on my arms".
Then I remember us heading down closer to the water, Nick and Jess were sent off and we moved in closer, they sent the groups off 5 mins apart. As we moved closer, dad ran into someone that he had worked with before and started to talk about work things. I just sat there and waited. It was our time and we were standing in the water. It was pretty cold. Dad and I kept looking for mom, Josh and Shane. No sign of them. I remember I could kind of sense dad getting frustrated that mom wasn't there, but he never said anything.
I also remember looking over to dad and he had his goggles on so I couldn't see his eyes. I wish they weren't so dark!! He splashed water on his face and got wet a bit, but we really didn't say much to each other. Until right before we were sent off, I remember hearing the count down from 10 and that is when dad tapped my shoulder and said, "good luck babe".
I keep replaying those last 30 mins with my dad and much as I am grateful to have been the last one with my dad before he passed I wish I could go back and have gotten and given one last hug. Wish I could have told him I love him. Wish I could have asked him for advice one last time.
I had the chance to go to the temple on Tuesday when Josh was out of town and I had the chance to sit there alone and have my time in the temple to talk to my dad  and pray and to really feel him there with me. I had told my mom that I just didn't feel dad very close. My mom shares all these neat stories about her talking to dad and feeling him so close and so had Gabe and Nick. It was hard to not get angry because I hadn't had that experience and I wanted it so bad.
As I was able to sit in the temple and to pray and think, I felt my dad so close for the first time since he passed away. So much that I didn't want to leave. But my dad said to me, "Jess don't worry, you will be ok, you can leave, but just come back as often as you can".
It made my love for the temple so much strong that day. I am so grateful for temples that we are able to go and feel so close to our Savior and our loved ones that have gone before us.
This week I also found a letter that my dad had written to me back in April last year. Man does it mean so much more to me now than it did when he first sent it. I remember him sending it to me then, it couldn't have come at a better time, but also me finding it the second time couldn't have come at a better time.
here are just a few things he had said to me....

...The main reason I am writing today is because of my love and appreciation for you and to tell you that I recognize your strength, your testimony and dedication to the Gospel.  The story of the Prodigal Son was used several times on both Saturday and Sunday but today when Elder Christopherson was talking about the loyal son who stayed home and did all of the things that he was suppose to do…I thought of you and started to cry.  I was so overcome with my love an admiration for you and the way you have lived your life.  I love being around you as an adults and cherish the relationship we have at this time in our lives.  When I was in your home and watched you and Josh raising your boys in the gospel….I was filled with such a sense of pride and admiration for you guys.  I like what I see.

I don’t know if I have ever told you, but it means so much to me to see you and Josh living the gospel and teaching your boys those principals of the Gospel that mean so much to me.  When I became the only member of the Church in my family, I had to defend my choices many times over the years and had to constantly shield my family from the pressure and criticism that I received. I believe that this only made my conviction to the Gospel even stronger. .. 

This is why I wanted to write you today and express my love to you.  Thank you for honoring the “teachings of your father” and living those principals that I believe will continue to bless our Family.  I know that if we will all live these principals, Heavenly Father will continue to bless through these hard times.  As these special grandkids are now the 3^rd Generation of Chariton’s in the Gospel, I feel that my many years of prayers have truly been answered.  

Please know of my Love for both of you.

Dad

My mom also called me early this morning. She returned home on Tuesday from being in Utah for a week and has been packing up the house ever since. She is moving to Twin Falls tomorrow. It all moved quicker than first planned, but she really feel like she needs to get there and help her parents. With Grandma Haney being in the hospital and not doing great, she knew she was needed sooner than later. With all the packing my mom had found my dad's patriarchal blessing. What a powerful blessing my dad was given. But one part that stood out to me that I will share was it talked about when it was his time to be called home. I don't think very many have that mentioned in their blessing and I really think that it was put in there to comfort his family at this time, but it said, when its your time to be called home, your passing will be quick and peaceful. I know that we have all worried about if my dad suffered or not. I think we for sure know now that he didn't.

Again I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. I am grateful for my family and mostly my mom right now. She is one amazing person. Its been really hard because I usually call my mom a few times a day and since my dad died, she has been nonstop busy with all that she has going on and so I have had to be strong by my self. But the times that I think I can't keep going, its my mom that tells me to stay close to my savior, to read my scriptures and to think positively. Without her, her testimony, love and support I think I would be more angry and bitter than I already am. I am grateful that she has the strong testimony that she has. 

I know for sure  when I told Jarom that grandma didn't get to go to heaven with grandpa because our family still needs her, that its true!!!

I am also so grateful for Josh. He has been the best while I am going through this emotional roller coaster. I know he hates to see me cry and more often than not he will walk into the room to find me crying. He is so good to just walk over and give me a hug and make sure I am ok. Thanks babe!